this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
