Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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