I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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