Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
