all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize