Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
