I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
