May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
