so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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