I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize
