I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
