Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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