Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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