there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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