we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
