I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
