I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
