when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
