My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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