Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
be right there i have to get my cape
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
