and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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