I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I still have a little drunk in my system
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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