i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
