On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
