I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
