He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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