I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
