I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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