so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
this just has baby written all over it
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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