I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
