Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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