I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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