I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
