Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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