there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
