just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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