It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
