You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
