you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
