remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
