:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Randomize
