those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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