I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
