Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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