I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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