he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
