I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
