Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
