Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
