Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
