Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
