Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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