I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
