i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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