I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize