P.S. I can't hear my feet
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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