My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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