Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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