organizing the empties. That sober.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
