dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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