i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
