haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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