Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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