I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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