We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
